Sad feelings, happy feelings...mixed emotions today.
This year and our life in our first and only home are about to come to an end. I am trying to be strong for Demi but there is a big part of me that is sad and hurting. I keep thinking as Demi is away how sad this is going to be for her too. I feel like I have failed her in many ways. Our last Christmas, her last birthday party, her last walk to school and so this chapter will soon end.
I keep thinking that I just need to get the house all packed up while Demi is gone so that it will be less emotional for both of us. I did tell Demi when she before she left that I might do this knowing that DPS might serve me the papers asking or demanding us to leave the house. So that has happened and now it is a matter of days.
There is still a part of me that wished things would have worked out. That our mortgage company would have refinanced our home at the lower interest rates but they wouldn't and so here we are today. The hardest part is that I still don't know where we are going. What do I take and pack up and what do I try to sell? These are the moments when I am mentally tired of making all the decisions but when you are a mom, a single mom you don't get a day off because your children depend on you to make those decisions, right or wrong.
My faith keeps me going and deep down inside I believe this is going to be the best thing for us and I am excited about what is ahead. I just wish I knew what that is and where we will be this time next month. There is a part of me that wants to pack up and move far away. Maybe if I did that the pain of moving and leaving a wonderful neighborhood wouldn't be so hard on both of us. Again I know that our next home will be filled with the same love and that we will make new memories.
But today I am taking a day off from being strong for everyone. I am giving myself permission to grieve and to feel all that I do about what is going on. I am giving it all to God so that I don't have to feel like I am walking in this alone. Why does life seem to be so hard, not just for me but for lots of wonderful people?
Miracles have a way of reminding us of happy things that take place in our lives. Another miracle has taken place this year regarding my career. As many of you know, I have been self employed for almost 17 years placing military personnel in technical careers. But with the economy, I was unable to make any money. I worked for a couple of friends until I started subbing. I found a new passion that I would have never dreamed. I have absolutely loved being a substitute! I went this summer to get my teaching certificate and have that almost completed. If and when I come up with the 120.00 I need to take my content testing which is the grade level substance, I will be completely certified and will be hirable in Texas. Just 2 weeks ago at the school where my sister has been teaching for the last 20 years, offered me a tutoring position working less hours and making more money. It is a great opportunity and an answered prayer, another miracle I never saw coming 9 months ago when I started subbing. So grateful to have be working and that other teachers and staff have adopted my daughter for Christmas this year. Another miracle! Without them and their willingess to help, Demi would not have a Christmas. Did I mention that a couple of months ago someone at our school left me 2 bags of groceries in my truck? Did I mention this same school put 30.00 in my purse 2 weeks ago that I could buy Demi something and put it under the tree from her mom? Both my sister and I worked with some pretty incredible angels who keep blessing us with miracles which have restored my faith in people. I have learned that there are people willing to help if we will just let them. It has been tough because I like doing this for others..the JOY you get from helping others and being kind is beyond anything I can put into words. It just dawned on me that this is how they must be filling. Full circle moment!
I am looking to make a miracle happen. I am still trying to find a company to help me make something wonderful happen for my sister and her family in NC. I want to bring her some JOY this year. It has been really tough for her and her husband with the loss of his business too. I can't imagine, I know how tough it has been having one child and they have 7, 6 of which they still support. Praying that the same charity that has helped her kids have christmas will be there for them again this year so that her children will experience the JOY that all kids should at this time of the year.
On a side note, my family drove to Chicago on Sunday to be with my nephew this week as he graduates from the Navy bootcamp. So happy they will be there for Kyle and I know as hard as it is for my brother to show his emotions, that he is proud of his son. (We grew up in a home where my parents did not show a lot of emotion. I am sitting here and cannot think of a time that I have ever seen my mom cry except for the year my dad passed and that first year with holidays.)
Blessed with Faith.....Good Health....Beautiful Daughter....Wonderful Family.....Awesome Friends.....Angels Helping with Christmas......feeling emotions from all sides and praying God will show me what will be best for Demi and I in the days and months to come.
**Julie, thank you for always stopping in to say hello. It means the world to me and I am praying that you continued to blessed by God and protected this upcoming year. Hoping your heart will be filled with JOY and wonderful memories with your children friend!!
Happy Holidays and Love from TX,